Dear Sarah
Today is our due date. When I was pregnant with you and your brothers, the time together was filled with such excitement: waiting for the first wiggles, wondering if you were a boy or a girl and of course tracking the time on the calendar and counting down the weeks and days until we could meet you. Its a very special time that I fully cherished. Obviously our time together is over, but with the days passing when you should have still been in me, I've been acutely aware of what I was missing. So, I'm kind of relieved that this date is passing so maybe the pain won't feel as sharp.
We won't forget you but we're still figuring out ways to remember you and honor your life. Last week I hung up your pictures around the house. Mostly, we are just working through the grief and choosing "life" for our family. The sadness we felt, and feel, in having said goodbye could have destroyed us but just like we chose life for you and fought for your life, your Daddy and I are choosing life for our family- we are choosing to cling to God and to each other and choosing each day to pour ourselves into your brothers. We're focusing on the simple things and what really matters, our relationships and time with each other. We want life abundantly. We also want to bring that same life into difficult situations for others-we continue to raise money for dresses for the NICU. I didn't think we'd be buying you a grave marker for Christmas--of course I had other, more joyful, ideas. But we have given gifts in your name to a baby who was in need this Christmas and I thought of you. Hopefully we'll figure out more ways as time goes by to honor you.
Your brothers are still thinking of you also. The other day Zach asked, out of the blue, if we could get flowers for your "special spot" in the cemetery. Gabe also out of the blue was thinking about what it would be like if you were with us.
There were times when I didn't feel or see God's presence or peace that everyone was wishing and praying for us. Honestly I didn't feel much of anything and am just starting to "feel" again. But after awhile I realized that all the love others were giving us through random gifts left on our porch, cards, hugs and words of encouragement were all God's love in action. All those people were being God's hands in our lives. Through them, I have been able to see and feel God's presence and peace.
I have no idea what you know in heaven about us, but we know you are surrounded by Love as you are in God's presence. Know that we love you too.
Love,
Mommy
