Life is ever changing; like it or not, our lives are not stagnant. Most of the shaping comes in small ways, lessons learned, friends who teach us things, changes that are brought to our lives, and that’s when we can look back over a period of time and reflect on how all the small things added up to bigger change and made us who we are at that moment. For example, I can look back over a handful of years and see how things I've read, people I've known, and life events have slowly shaped my life and made me who I am.
Occasionally in life there are big events that happen that jolt us and create immediate change. A year ago we were preparing to welcome a third little one into our family and had recently found out we were having a girl. Boys were playing “baby” and were building a room for Baby Sarah out of couch cushions. They were walking around holding an imaginary baby, pretending to feed, play with and put her in bed. While we were still debating names, the boys happily called their baby “Sarah” and as I listened to them I happily thought about the time when all three would play imaginary games and laugh together. Practically, we were getting the house ready for her. We had new carpet put in the family room, replacing the 25 year old carpet, anticipating the time when a baby would be doing tummy time, playing and learning to crawl on it. The boys had been put into the same room, freeing up the crib and the nursery.
And a year ago today, we were wrapping up a really fun week of play dates, time at the park, and swimming. With my nesting in full gear and Gabe wanting to start painting the nursery, Pat took us all shopping after church to buy everything for the nursery. We bought all the pink blankets, sheets, decorations, bottles, and supplies. Pat planned to paint the nursery that week so that we could just sit back and enjoy the rest of the pregnancy with no more tasks hanging over us. How were we to know as we happily wrapped up our nesting tasks that the next day our lives would completely change? The next day, Monday, as I left for a routine OB appointment, I couldn't imagine that the same dr who two weeks earlier had said I was “better that perfect,” that Zach’s prematurity was probably a “fluke” and that I had a “great chance at going full term” would rush in to see me after my ultrasound with concern on his face and hold my hand as I cried. I couldn’t imagine as I left for the appointment, telling the boys that I would be home in an hour to go swimming at a friend’s house, that I would not be coming home for awhile. As I went up the stairs to the Dr’s office and began my ultrasound, excited to see my little one again, I couldn’t imagine that we would soon say goodbye to our little girl.
I think it can be easy to think we are in charge of our lives and then when a big change crashes into our lives, we are reminded that we’re really not in control after all. And life really is unpredictable. Maybe that's what shakes us most of all.
Looking back a year ago, that Sunday where life felt good and it all made sense, seems like a different life. Sometimes when I look back to that day, I almost feel as if I’m looking back at someone else’s life. Because life feels, and is, so different now. The large waves of grief that initially swallowed us up, have turned into a calmer waters, but the undercurrent is still there. We are learning to live with that undercurrent of sadness even while we are healing, experience joy, laughter, happiness and dreaming again. It will always be there.
Sarah’s birthday and the anniversary of the 9 days she was with us are right around the corner and the waves of grief are picking up a bit. As I look over the past year, I am incredibly thankful for how the four of us have drawn closer. We have all put in some hard work while grieving and I really do believe that we are stronger, individually and as a family, because of the struggles we have been through. We have really grown in faith through this year and I am grateful that God has not abandoned us but has been truly, truly faithful.
“Faithful One” Selah
