We've always talked about adoption. I've been interested in adoption since middle school and Pat and I have talked about it through the years and felt God would let us know if/when the time was right. After Sarah died, we knew we were finished having biological children and while we wanted more kids in the family, we were concerned that we would be "replacing" her. After time spent healing and a lot of talking we also realized a lesson that Sarah's story taught us--vulnerable kids are worth fighting for. Initially when we went to the hospital when we found out there was a problem with Sarah's pregnancy, the first team of doctors encouraged us to "just go home" since Sarah wasn't "viable" and was so little. Thanks to God, we later met nurses and doctors who helped us to fight to give her a chance. We were her parents and, though the odds were against her and us, we felt we could do no less than to give her every chance we could.
Back to how that connects to this adoption journey. I've always been interested in international adoption. My interest was sparked when I learned in Middle School about how many girls in China were given up simply because they were girls. I felt all children should be celebrated and be loved. When Pat and I talked about adoption, he felt the same but always came back to the point that there are so many kids here in America who need families too. After Sarah, we started to think about very vulnerable kids and how there are parents who struggle with either knowing how to provide/treat/care for their kids or struggle with bad choices and behaviors making kids (who are naturally vulnerable because of their dependency) more vulnerable because of the difficult life situations the parents lead them in. We thought, we've fought for Sarah when she was very vulnerable, we can do it for another child. We started to look into situations of hard-to-place (very vulnerable) kids and first read about international adoption of kids with medical issues. (Did you know that many of the medical issues of international "hard to place" kids are an easy fix within the American healthcare system?) But Pat kept coming back to the idea of "kids in our own backyard."
One afternoon I called Lutheran Social services to ask about the process for adopting out of foster care. It seemed like it might fit where our hearts were going with local kids who were hard to place and were vulnerable. As I talked on the phone with the young woman, asking questions, everything started to feel like it made sense. I have no other way to explain other than it felt like the puzzle pieces just clicked together. When I got off the phone, Pat was in the kitchen getting coffee, taking a break from work and I filled him in. He thought it sounded like a good fit also,
Adopting out of the foster care system sounded interesting to us for many reasons the main being that these are older kids who have been through a lot and need a family. There are often sibling groups that are hard to place but desperately need to stay together since they are the only family they have left. They need stability, safety, to understand unconditional love, and parents who will be advocates to help them overcome any challenges they face. They need to know joy, and what it means to have fun with siblings, to know what it means to be part of a family-a team that sticks together and loves each other forever and ever, no matter what. We felt like we could parent a child like this because we had already been advocates for Sarah when she was most in need--we parented her well while she was here and then we helped our boys work through grief after Sarah died.
We know that if God does in fact grow our family through this path, that it likely won't be easy. But we've already walked a hard path with Sarah and, as sad as it was to say goodbye, there was also tremendous joy that came from knowing her as well as the joy we've found as a family after working through the grief together. Hard doesn't mean wrong or bad. Out of struggles come growth and joy. We look forward to growing our family and together finding joy as we work together to adjust, overcome past hurts and even just face the normal bumps of life together.
Here's the journey:
August 13: I dropped off our initial application today. It is the day before Sarah's birthday and I'm a bit emotional--thinking about what our family is missing and imagining what God may be creating us to be. As I got in the car to bring it to the agency, this song ("I turn to you" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zI5i1qSg1mE) by Selah immediately came on the radio: When I was in the hospital before delivering Sarah I heard it for the first time and felt some peace that God was with us and that I could turn to Him. When I called Pat to tell him to look up the song on youtube so he could hear it too he said he had just heard it for the first time too. Coincidence? =) So as I drove to the agency and listened to it again, I was reminded that in all the twists and turns of life that we just need to turn to Him. That doesn't mean He will "fix" life to match our picture but that He is with us through it all. I have no idea what twists and turns lay ahead, but He IS with us and at every turn we CAN turn to our loving Heavenly Father who loves us.
September: This month we started orientation classes with the agency we are working with. The first class scared me...it was talking about all the difficulties you can face with kids from the foster care system and it scared me that perhaps this wasn't a good idea for us. I know the kids will have "baggage" to deal with and we don't have rosy colored glasses on about the process of helping a child(ren) adjust to being in our family but the class seemed to share very difficult situations that had me concerned since we already have two little guys. Pat said that the class showed him that there are kids who desperately need parents. We trust that God will bring the right child or sibling pair into our family when the time is right.
We also started the home study (not as scary as we thought it would be, and wow...did we get our house cleaned beforehand!) This really is a "paper chase" as we've heard it described and we are busy gathering documents and filling in questionnaires.
October: Gabe and Zach have been talking lately about wanting more siblings. Gabe especially has been asking for more brothers or sisters and saying things like, "If I could have just one wish, it would be to have more kids in our family." We haven't said anything to the boys yet because we don't want to get their hopes us since this process could take a few years. But perhaps we'll tell them sooner since they are asking for more kids. I don't know. The boys know about adoption since we have a number of friends who have adopted and the other day Gabe strung a couple thoughts together, "Mom, since you can't have anymore babies in your tummy, could we adopt?" Then came a question I knew would come at come point, " Mom if God knows everything even before it happens, why did He put Sarah in your tummy if he knew she would die?" I just answered that I don't know but that I know God loves all of us and that even though she died, I'm glad we got to know her for a short bit.
November 1: We just got home from a weekend away with the boys. While talking on our own, Pat and I talked through some of the questions on our questionnaire. There were lots of questions asking about our relationship and reflecting on our strengths and weaknesses as individuals and as a couple. It was really interesting to talk through these together. In a few weeks, we will celebrate our tenth wedding anniversary so it was also interesting reflecting on the past ten years and thinking through how God has grown each of us individually and as a couple. I love this guy and know that in ten more years, we will reflect back again and be amazed at where God has brought us. We are almost done with the paperwork and hope to hand the rest in to our new social worker this week--we've been switched to someone else. After that we'll have another home visit with the new worker (I will NOT clean as thoroughly as last time since it didn't really seem to matter) and then she will write a report from everything we turned in. After that we will be "approved" and then will be in the waiting time to be "matched" with a child--which could take a long time because of our desire to be matched only with a child/children younger than Zach.
November 11: Today I met with our new social worker and turned in the last of our paperwork. I enjoyed talking with her and feel comfortable with her finishing up our process. She said we should be approved in two weeks!!
November 24: It has been two weeks and our social worker sent us a list of questions as well as a document for an "Alternative Caregiver" in case we both die. I don't know why we didn't get this form at the beginning of this process to think about who to ask so we are a bit frustrated.
December 16: We met with our social worker today for a last home visit. We've exchanged a few more emails with questions for us to answer. We had a good visit and she looked through our house, taking notes. I've had a sore knee and am on crutches so it has been a bit difficult to clean the house for this visit but everyone, including the boys, pitched in and it got cleaned. She looked around, asked us a few more questions and we turned in copies of car registration and insurance. She said she has everything she needs and the 25+ page report on our family is done except for the few questions we discussed tonight. She will finish it tomorrow and turn it into her supervisor. We will be approved, pending the final form--we still haven't figured out the "Alternative Caregiver" form and this is weighing on us. Assuming we can get this figured out and signed, we may be approved by Christmas.
December 19: This process feels like I did when we were hoping to get pregnant. The waiting and excitement of the possibility of a new child to love. I find myself already praying for these kids that "might be"--that God would bless our family with more kids, that He would bring the right personalities to our family to be siblings and friends to the boys and that the boys' hearts will be prepared for more little ones. Perhaps this isn't meant to be and we trust that God knows best. But we are hopeful and we feel that we've done our part and with our part done, the door is open for God to work as He'd like to.
December 31: Y
esterday we got an email titled "Approved!" Our social worker said our home assessment/report is finalized, we are approved and she's ready to start looking for matches for us. Appropriately to the paperwork process she sent a couple forms that we need to print and sign basically saying that we understand we've been approved. =)
I read through the 25-page report on us and it was interesting to see how we are viewed as a family by the workers who visited us. And we are excited to see what God does in our family in the coming years. We realize we will likely wait a long time to be matched, but meanwhile our prayers are that God prepares our hearts to parent whatever personality and child(ren) he gives us, that God prepares the boys' hearts for changes/challenges/new experiences (they still don't know and we likely will only tell them when we are matched), and that God's hand of protection is over the child(ren) we will one day parent and that His presence is felt by them. We are praying for the parents...praying for wise choices...praying for God's hand to be on the child(ren) so that they will know His love and presence with them even as they are going through a rough time. Since we don't know if or when we will be matched with kids, I may be praying for a situation now or I am be praying for things to come. But we know that God is outside of time so trust that my prayers are being heard.
January 5: I find myself praying for the parents of the child(ren) we hope to adopt. I pray for them because I can't imagine the pain you have to be experiencing to be able to abuse your child. Or the desperation you feel trying to hold life together and not be able to care for your child appropriately. Or the pain you feel as your children are taken away. I pray that whatever dark spot that they are in that led or will lead to their child(ren) being taken, that it would be a point in life where they also are able to find God and His love and grace. I hope that it will be a part of their life story that will help shape them for the better in the long run. Pat and I don't view adoption as us being these amazing superheros who rescue kids and we certainly don't ever want to talk bad about our kids' birth parents. Our goal is to step in to parent where their birth parent couldn't--to care for, teach and help a child heal from past hurts. Not to look down on their birth parents (not to act like what happened was ok either). When our family is changed through adoption, the birth parents will also become part of our story and I believe that Pat and I will always pray for them.
January 9: I have been going a bit crazy with organizing and cleaning out clutter from the house. In the last week I haven't been able to sleep for 2 of the nights because I've been so focused on this. I tell myself that its not that big of a deal and to relax but my brain won't turn off. Perhaps I'm "nesting" since we've gotten approved? I seriously hope not since we probably have a long wait...I've been praying that God will calm my brain since I'm completely comfortable with waiting a long time--I don't feel anxious to have more kids immediately. But I AM anxious about the clutter in my house!
January 19: Pat and I have been praying together for ALL of our kids. We've felt a need to pray for the kids. It feels a bit weird since we don't really know if we have future kids or what their situation is. We don't really know what we're praying for exactly. But we feel that we should be focused on praying, so we are.
January 21: Today is the two-year anniversary of my mom dying. I had a good long talk with my sister in Ireland this afternoon, while the boys watched lots of tv =). I got off the phone just in time to leave for work for Wednesday night classes and as I was packing up my dinner and pulling on my coat, my phone beeped. I checked my email in case it was about work but it was an email from our social worker with information about a brother and sister. Its only been three weeks since we were approved!! It was hard to stay focused through the night of working and when I got home I climbed right into bed and read the 10 page report. The kids sound like a good fit. The only thing is that the little boy is a few months older than Zach and we had requested kids younger than Zach. Pat and I read the report together, and his reaction was the same as mine: "They seem like they could be a good fit"
January 22: I feel a bit like a deer in headlights. Excited about the possibility of these kids, not sure what the next step is, wondering if I'm just excited because these are the first kids presented to us. After talking with our social worker, she brought over a lot more paperwork for us to read and we read through all the reports and information together tonight. Same conclusion: They seem like a good fit with our family but we're not sure about if it would cause trouble to break our "birth order"
January 23: Back to not sleeping. My brain is bouncing around. After talking with my sister and one of our pastors, I decided to just pray and stop trying to think about all the what-ifs. If God wants this, then he will bring peace to both of our hearts. We'll meet with the social workers and foster mom and see if that brings clarity.
February 3: We had a very, very good meeting with our social worker, the kids' social worker, their foster mom, and psychologist. We had a long list of questions and felt we really got a good understanding of the kids' personalities and needs. Talking at night, Pat said, "I can't imagine a better fit for our family" and I said, "But..." thinking there was more. "But nothing," Pat said. "Then why aren't you saying we should move forward?" I asked. Because you didn't let me finish!" he said. =) Next step is to set up meetings for us to meet the kids and then a second meeting for the kids to all meet.
February 9: Its Monday and the plan is that on Saturday Pat and I will meet the kids. Then on Monday the kids will all meet--we plan to tell the boys at breakfast so they have a few hours to ask questions and process and then they can all meet. Brother is anxious to find his "forever family" and is aware about how these visits work, so when we are introduced we do not want our first meeting to be where we are "lying" saying we are "family friends" or anything like that. He will be told who we are and why we are meeting. So we want to tell the boys so the news comes from us first and not from a little guy they are playing with. I realized today that this week is the last week with life as we know it. No, the kids won't move in with us right away after we meet--there is a long process, but once the boys know and paperwork is signed that we intend to adopt, then life will shift. There will be kids to call and visit. There will be house preparations to begin (pat's current home office will become the boys' room--"Boys Central"--and his office will move). And there will be paperwork again as we continue this process. All wonderful things that I'm looking forward to. But this week, I want to enjoy the days with the two boys and a calmer routine.
February 13: This morning in the middle of getting ready for school, Gabe stopped and hugged me and said he missed Sarah. This happens regularly so it wasn't out of the ordinary. But then he said he wants more kids in our family. I reminded him that I'm done having babies and he said he knew but then lit up and said, "If you ever adopt kids, could you get a kindergartner or first grader? No, not a first grader. I want to be the oldest." I asked why he wanted someone close to his age and he said it would be fun to have more kids to play with but he wants to be the oldest so he can help lead everyone and also be a big brother. I take this (and other conversations he's had with us) that God is preparing his little heart. We have been very careful to not talk about this process in front of the boys since we don't want them to get their hopes up and have to wait a long time or feel loss if a situation doesn't work out. I am very excited to tell them this weekend though!
February 14: As Pat and I prepared to get married ten years ago, we often said to each other, "I know we will fall in love more as the years go by, but right now I can't imagine being any more in love with you" And of course there are moments in life where you do fall deeper in love--growing closer, experiences of kids being born, dealing with difficult situations, etc. And today was another day where I fell deeper in love with Pat. This morning we both were really nervous about meeting the kids (felt like a blind date!) and as we drove to meet them, we wondered what it would be like. As we waited at the library for our social workers and the kids to arrive, a couple with two kids entered the building. We recognized the kids from their pictures and ended up just smiling at the foster parents (possibly a bit awkwardly!) but since the social workers weren't there yet we didn't want to introduce ourselves. Anyway, eventually we went to the children's section and were introduced to the kids and we began playing puppets with them. I looked up after about half an hour and saw Pat being silly with the kids and with a big smile on his face and thought, "what a gift God gave me in him." This is a day we will file away in our memories, along with the days of meeting our other three kids for the first time. I am so incredibly happy to be traveling this path with Pat. We've had some major bumps in the road, and will have more in the future, but our hands are clasped tightly together and our eyes are fixed on our Savior. There is no better way to be traveling through life.
February 15: Today we celebrated the boys' birthdays with a "friends party." This was the last "life as they know it" moment and it felt so good to see them having fun, surrounded by such good friends. After we got home we told them. Pat told them that for awhile we have felt like our family was too small (Gabe lit up with a huge smile) and that we were going to be adding a brother and sister to the family. After we shared the kids' ages, Gabe was relieved to know that he was still the oldest but hoped that they weren't very funny because he's "the silly one in the family" to which both boys jumped up and started doing slapstick. Later while tucking them each in, they both chatted a bit about it and had questions but overall excitement.
February 16: All of us spent the afternoon with the kids again. The kids mostly played side-by-side and didn't interact a whole lot but they also seemed fine with each other. We met again at a library and played with puppets and read lots of books. I kept thinking "broken story meets broken story" and thinking of mosaic tiles. I've always admired how some people can take mosaic tiles and piece them together into a beautiful picture. Both of our families have experienced the brokenness that comes from shattering events and I look forward to seeing how God puts our pieces together to form a new picture.
They will be told tonight by their foster parents that we will be their forever family. We will sign paperwork tomorrow, start the process to get our foster license, buy some carseats and look forward to the next visit on the weekend. This feels overwhelming and completely normal all at the same time. We are very, very excited.
