Sweet brothers remembering their sister

Yesterday, Gabe asked to do extra chores to make money to give to the NICU for baby dresses.  It was very sweet that he was trying to bag up the chore money he already had ("43 coins!")to give to families in the NICU.  I explained that the way it works is to give money to the NICU in "one bag" and they would give it to families.  So he sat down and for a long time worked on writing a list of chores on a to-do list.  So today we let him wash the cars...who says you can't have fun while you work?!?  Funny thing is, he really doesn't get the concept of monetary values.  He started inviting neighbors and grandparents and the price went from "3 quarters" to "$20 and 3 quarters."  We convinced him to switch to "donations."

Then our sweet neighbor, Nina, whose husband passed away the same week as Sarah, came over because she had bought some pink and purple flowering plants to put in the garden between our yards to remember Sarah. Gabe helped plant them with her.  She only had a tall shovel and she showed him how to jump on the shovel to push it into the ground.  She and I were holding the shovel handle upright while Gabe was jumping on the shovel like a pogo stick.  It was sweet to have her teaching him how to plant the plants and having him do it while she helped.  Between that and Gabes "car wash" it's a Sarah kind of day.

A couple weeks ago, the boys and Pat picked out a flowering pink cherry blossom tree for Sarah and Zach worked very hard digging a hole with Pat to plant it.  He's still talking about the BIG hole he dug but also telling others about the tree for Sarah.  

I know that some of the boys' activities are simply because they are boys having fun--what boy wouldn't like to dig in the dirt or spray water at the car?  But I also love the part of them that is thinking of their sister and are happy to find ways to help remember her.  

Mother's Day

Today was Mother's Day.  My first Mother's day without my mom and missing my daughter.  Another odd mixture of sadness and happiness as I spent the weekend with my family--my silly family who brings me such joy.

During dinner tonight, Pat asked me what my favorite "mom memory" is.  Many memories flew through my head: meeting and holding each of my kids for the first time, watching the boys discover new things as they grow up, vacations, forts built, times together reading books, doing crafts, cooking together, dance parties in the kitchen, snuggles and kisses "just because", crazy questions and silly stories. This weekend alone, there was so much laughter and moments that filled me with joy and happiness because of my kids:

On Saturday, Pat and the boys surprised me and work me up with breakfast in bed.  They planned an elaborate breakfast and it was a cozy morning.

While driving to a friend's house for a birthday party I listened to the radio while they chattered in the backseat.  When "Eye of the Tiger" came on I looked in the mirror and saw them rocking and dancing like maniacs to it.  Who knew they were into '80's music??

When all the grandparents arrived for dinner, Gabe disappeared and returned moments later wearing his skunk costume.  He did somersaults around the kitchen while declaring himself "stinky!"

Zach telling jokes:
Z: I have a joke!  How do you fit an elephant into your refrigerator?
Us: How?
Z: No, say, 'I don't know'
Us: I don't know.
Z: hahahaha!  I don't know either!

Gabe sharing his favorite "mom memory":
G: I love you lots because I love you!
Z: I love you too!

And Pat and the boys picked out a tree for Sarah that will bloom with pink blossoms each spring.  I love that we are finding ways to keep her memory part of our daily lives.

On this day when I'm feeling sad and my arms are missing holding my baby and hugging my mom, I am also so, SO filled with happiness for the gifts God has given me in my family.  These small moments of silliness and sweetness are soothing and help me remember what matters most in life.  I'm grateful for the time I get with these sweet goofballs each day and for the nine sweet days I had with Sarah.  Someday we'll all get to be goofy together.

Back to Normal after Easter?

Around here we are enjoying the end of spring break and Easter festivities: we still have a bunch of hard boiled eggs that are being eaten.  Zach likes to peel them but won't even think about eating them.  And Gabe has happily announced that the easiest way to crack an egg is to drop it on the floor--thankfully he has yet to follow through,.  The boys are also continuing to hide plastic eggs for each other to take turns finding.  Our week has been a happy balance of lazy PJ days, time outside, and visits with friends (for kids and mom!).  In a way, its life back to normal for us.

But what was it like for the disciples that first "Easter" after Jesus died and rose again?  I imagine they were obviously crushed with sadness after he died.  They had so many hopes and dreams wrapped up in him-mainly that he would be the military leader they were all waiting for who would rescue them from Roman rule and re-establish the nation of Israel.  And then...he rose again.  It can be easy to miss the weight of those words since many of us have grown up hearing "Jesus died and rose again" frequently in church.  It kinds of rolls off the tongue and doesn't always sink in.  I often have to focus hard at Easter to really grasp what happened-- he died a painful, humiliating death.  For no reason other than because of love for me and you.  And then death, which is so final for us, wasn't strong enough to keep him.  So coming back to life isn't exactly normal and then Jesus starts appearing to the disciples and I imagine they were a bit confused, amazed, excited, scared, happy, doubtful, elated...every emotion in the book.  But still, even after three years following him and learning so much and then seeing him alive after they watched him die, they tried to go back to normal.  Jesus even appeared to them while they were back to fishing--their "normal" from before Jesus called them to follow him.  (I imagine as he watched them fish if he was thinking, "Really??")

I wonder if I've ever acted like that.  Jesus showed me himself in a powerful way--taught me something, guided me through a difficult time and then instead of letting my life be changed I revert back to my "normal" and my comfort zone.  Actually, I don't wonder.  I know I have.  Many times.  Almost with an attitude of, "huh.  That was interesting" when instead it should have rocked my life a lot more.

I've been reading the book of Acts with some friends and thankfully the disciples finally did "get it"-- they went out and lived radically different lives, boldly telling others about Jesus.  Pat and I have been changed dramatically over the past seven months and have drawn closer than ever to God.  This quotation from CS Lewis (which is written as if God is speaking to us) sums up how we are feeling:

“Give me all of you!!! I don’t want so much of your time, so much of your talents and money, and so much of your work. I want YOU!!! ALL OF YOU!! I have not come to torment or frustrate the natural man or woman, but to KILL IT! No half measures will do. I don’t want to only prune a branch here and a branch there; rather I want the whole tree out! Hand it over to me, the whole outfit, all of your desires, all of your wants and wishes and dreams. Turn them ALL over to me, give yourself to me and I will make of you a new self---in my image. Give me yourself and in exchange I will give you Myself. My will, shall become your will. My heart, shall become your heart.” 
― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

We are praying asking God to simplify our faith, take us back to the basics, to strip away anything that we have added.  We don't want to go back to our normal and instead want a new normal.

Where are you being challenged in your faith?  Where is God taking you?

Simply enjoying the journey,
H.

Simply Enjoying the Journey

We have been slowly feeling "normal" again since Christmas.  By that I mean that we are not feeling so numb and are starting to feel like ourselves again.  In the weeks and months after Sarah died so many people said words to the effect of  "wow!  You're doing really well since you're out and doing activities with the boys."  Can I let you know that grief isn't like a pit that you climb out of or like a fork in the road that you walk away from?  Our grief and sadness will be a part of our lives until we are reunited with Sarah in heaven.  We are healing from the "rawness" of the grief, but we still have difficult moments.  A couple weeks ago Gabe was struggling and asked for the pictures of Sarah to be taken down.  And I cried my way through most of the Easter church service as I felt overwhelmed with sadness (our family should be all together!) and also the hope we have in the death and resurrection of Jesus.

I've heard it said that we learn from our children even as we are teaching them and I believe that is true.  I've grown as a person because of knowing and raising my boys.  And Pat and I feel we can say the same about Sarah.  We didn't know her personally very long, but the experience of having known her and then dealing with the grief of missing her has changed us deeply.  Here are a couple things we have learned.

1. Cherish the moments.  I've gotten many emails or facebook postings poking fun at those whose children are grown up and tell us younger parents to "enjoy the moments because they grow up so fast!"  the articles point out that not all moments are enjoyable and how dare they say that since its not very encouraging as my child is screaming in the grocery store?  But I have to wonder, if I don't enjoy the moments, then what am I waiting for?  Because life is made up of moments.  All the little moments add up to be big moments too.  Sure, I get frustrated and have my yelling or crying moments like all parents but even when I'm washing out underwear for the 3rd time that day because of an accident, breaking up yet another argument between the boys, I feel grateful because at least I have boys who are arguing.  At least I have laundry that needs washing.  Do I enjoy every moment--Yipee!  I LOVE scrubbing dirty underwear!  No.  But I am grateful for the moments.  I remember back to the days before each boy and the doctors telling us that we might not have children.  I know now that just because a child is born, we are not guaranteed a lifetime of moments with him or her.  Even when things are frustrating or difficult at least I have those moments.  I enjoy the time with my guys because I don't know when the moments may come to an end.  When we were in the hospital with Sarah, Gabe asked if we could have a one-week birthday party for her and we agreed since we didn't know how many celebrations we would have with her.  We are so glad we did that since she died only two days later.  And anyway, life is more fun when we cherish the small stuff instead of letting the small stuff frustrate us!

2. Live simply. This is a hard concept for me to explain because our lives haven't slowed down and if anything are busier than ever.  But we do feel as if we are more focused on what matters.  We are seeking out and enjoying healthy relationships.  We are taking time to rest when we need it. We are enjoying time with the boys and each other.  I have continued to fine tune our eating habits to be even simpler and healthier.  We are working on house projects that de-clutter and organize the house and help us live more calmly and simply.

We are simply enjoying the journey.

 

The Path

I’ve been on this path for as long as I can remember-sometimes walking, sometimes running but always moving forward.

Step, step, step.

For years the path was relatively easy.  There had been some unexpected twists and bumps as well as some detours that had frustrated me.  But overall there wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle and it had been a pleasant path to be on.  

After a long, rocky, twisty stretch the path suddenly turned a corner and in front of me was a smooth, straight path.  All around there were signs of springtime.  It was a welcome sight after the last twists and turns and I breathed a sigh of relief.  It didn’t happen often to have this kind of an easy path and I was filled with joy.  I ran along happily, excited about all the sights I could see down the way.  I couldn’t wait to get to those milestones and dreamt about what it would be like when I was there.

Step, step, step.

Suddenly without warning Darkness descended and violently shoved me off my path and onto another path.  This new path wasn’t at all like the last path or any I’d been on before.  I’d done rocky paths before, but this one was covered in sharp, jagged boulders that I had to climb over or around.  It was messy--muddy and covered in debris.  As I regained my balance and started to move forward again I realized that I had been severely injured when I had been shoved.  I looked down at my legs and saw that both were mangled.  Stopping was not an option and I had to keep moving forward on this messy, new path.

Step...step...step...

As I limped forward, I began to hear voices from others who were calling out while traveling on their paths:

“Don’t worry! That must have been the plan for you!  It will all turn out good!”  Good?  I wonder.  Darkness shoved me.  Does Darkness ever have a good plan?  

“You’re strong--you must have been chosen to travel your path since you can handle it!”  Huh, I think.  Sounds like a rotten gift.  

“At least you still have your arms!” Someone yells out.  I wonder how in the world that is helpful as I limp along.  I liked my legs.  They were different from my arms and very much a part of me.  

I nod my head as each voice speaks.  I understand.  They are trying to make sense of what happened to me.  I wish they would be quiet; they are hurting me more.

Some others come running up closer rather than calling from a distance.  They come near briefly and say, “Wow.  That’s a hard path you’re on.  You’re doing great!” And then quickly run back to the safety of their own path.  Again I nod.  I understand.  They care for me, but don’t know what to do and are possibly scared that the same thing could happen to them.  

Some who have traveled my path have come back to tell me that it will be ok--there are some spots up ahead that are better than where I am now.  They say that I will slowly learn to walk better and the pain will lessen but the limp will remain until the end of my path. These people are brave to have come back to places they had already struggled through to encourage me. I admire them.

And then there are those voices I hear through the fog calling out, “I’m here!  I don’t know what to do or how to help, but I’m here, my friend.”  And instead of running back to the safety of their path they rearrange their path to be close to mine.  They are getting messy right along with me.  

Step...step...step...

Regularly these people ask how I’m doing.  They listen to me ramble on about how unfair it is or how in pain I am.  They listen to me talk about my old path and how I miss it and what it would be like if I were still on it.  They understand if I need to be silent.  They let me cry.  They don’t try to make up answers to the whys.  They spend time with me just being friends. I can see on their faces that being close to my path sometimes makes them uncomfortable, but yet they stay close.  They stay right by me urging me to keep going. To do one more step, and then another, and then another.

Step...step...step...

And then there’s one more Friend.  He doesn’t just walk near me--I feel His arm always around me.  I don’t--or can’t--hear Him say much other than “I’m here.”  I yell at this Friend often: Did He shove me off the path?  Was this His idea to bring me, injured, to this muddy, boulder filled path?  Why didn’t He stop the Darkness as it shoved me and injured me?  Other times I just cry to Him.  I hurt.  I’m not supposed to be here.  I get no answers.  Just, “I’m here.”

Sometimes when I look to my side, I can faintly see my old smooth path through the trees.  I see the milestones and the places where I thought I’d get to.  I want to jump off my current path and go over there but I know its impossible.  Sometimes I want to curl up and just escape this nightmare of a path and go back to that dream.  But my friends and my Friend help me keep putting one foot in front of the other.  “You are doing great,” someone says, “You’re stronger than you think!”  And that helps me keep going.

Step...step...step...

I hate this new path and the new way of walking, but at the same time I am starting to enjoy parts of it.  I have learned to appreciate the moments where the path clears up a bit.  I pause to look around and I enjoy the beauty that I see around me.  I enjoy the small things not knowing if around the bend Darkness waits for me again.  I appreciate those who have gotten messy with me.  I know as I watch them traveling close by that it can be uncomfortable for them but never before have I fully understood or needed true friendship.  And I have come to love the arm of my Friend that is always around me.  I used to think my Friend was just traveling the path near me--guiding me and pointing me the right way.  But now I understand that His arm has always been tight around me.  It is a love unlike any I have ever known.  

And I keep walking.

Step...step...step...
 

NICU donations

I'm still amazed at the number of people who are following my journals.  Thank you for so many caring notes today as we move past Sarah's due date.  It was an emotional day.

I've gotten some questions about how to donate towards the NICU dress fund so here are the details:

Donations can be made to “William Beaumont Hospital NICU” in memory of Sarah Shaw.  Before she passed away, her nurses gave her a dress so we could dress her once and take some pictures as a family to help us remember her.  We would like to provide dresses in Sarah’s memory for other families who have to say goodbye to their little girls-this is a fund we started to support families in their grief. Checks or micro-preemie dresses (button or closures in the back, please) may be sent to William Beaumont Hospital 3601 W. Thirteen Mile Rd. Royal Oak, MI 48073-6769  Attn: Mara Sipols) Please put "Sarah Shaw" in the memo of checks so your donation goes to the right fund.  Thank you!

I will carry you

"I Will Carry You"-Selah

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxZhEcTzn6Q

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

[Chorus]
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says ...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

[Chorus]