Simply Enjoying the Journey

We have been slowly feeling "normal" again since Christmas.  By that I mean that we are not feeling so numb and are starting to feel like ourselves again.  In the weeks and months after Sarah died so many people said words to the effect of  "wow!  You're doing really well since you're out and doing activities with the boys."  Can I let you know that grief isn't like a pit that you climb out of or like a fork in the road that you walk away from?  Our grief and sadness will be a part of our lives until we are reunited with Sarah in heaven.  We are healing from the "rawness" of the grief, but we still have difficult moments.  A couple weeks ago Gabe was struggling and asked for the pictures of Sarah to be taken down.  And I cried my way through most of the Easter church service as I felt overwhelmed with sadness (our family should be all together!) and also the hope we have in the death and resurrection of Jesus.

I've heard it said that we learn from our children even as we are teaching them and I believe that is true.  I've grown as a person because of knowing and raising my boys.  And Pat and I feel we can say the same about Sarah.  We didn't know her personally very long, but the experience of having known her and then dealing with the grief of missing her has changed us deeply.  Here are a couple things we have learned.

1. Cherish the moments.  I've gotten many emails or facebook postings poking fun at those whose children are grown up and tell us younger parents to "enjoy the moments because they grow up so fast!"  the articles point out that not all moments are enjoyable and how dare they say that since its not very encouraging as my child is screaming in the grocery store?  But I have to wonder, if I don't enjoy the moments, then what am I waiting for?  Because life is made up of moments.  All the little moments add up to be big moments too.  Sure, I get frustrated and have my yelling or crying moments like all parents but even when I'm washing out underwear for the 3rd time that day because of an accident, breaking up yet another argument between the boys, I feel grateful because at least I have boys who are arguing.  At least I have laundry that needs washing.  Do I enjoy every moment--Yipee!  I LOVE scrubbing dirty underwear!  No.  But I am grateful for the moments.  I remember back to the days before each boy and the doctors telling us that we might not have children.  I know now that just because a child is born, we are not guaranteed a lifetime of moments with him or her.  Even when things are frustrating or difficult at least I have those moments.  I enjoy the time with my guys because I don't know when the moments may come to an end.  When we were in the hospital with Sarah, Gabe asked if we could have a one-week birthday party for her and we agreed since we didn't know how many celebrations we would have with her.  We are so glad we did that since she died only two days later.  And anyway, life is more fun when we cherish the small stuff instead of letting the small stuff frustrate us!

2. Live simply. This is a hard concept for me to explain because our lives haven't slowed down and if anything are busier than ever.  But we do feel as if we are more focused on what matters.  We are seeking out and enjoying healthy relationships.  We are taking time to rest when we need it. We are enjoying time with the boys and each other.  I have continued to fine tune our eating habits to be even simpler and healthier.  We are working on house projects that de-clutter and organize the house and help us live more calmly and simply.

We are simply enjoying the journey.