Transitions and moving forward

This blog was started as a way for us to quickly share information with so many who were caring for us when Sarah was in the hospital.  After she died, it was a place for me to share how we were doing but also for me to write about our grief process.  I wrote publicly for two reasons--first, I think that death (especially death of a child) is a topic that is understandably avoided.  I get it--losing a child is probably every parents' worst nightmare, its hard to know what to say to someone who is grieving since you really can't fix it, and maybe we worry that we will say or do the wrong thing.  But so many people lose babies and grieve in silence.  Perhaps people think it should be "easier" to lose a child since we didn't really know her, but that made the pain worse for me since I lost her along with all the dreams I had of what our relationship might be.  My hope is that those who lose babies will feel the support that they need, to know that others are around them, to be asked how they are doing.  And my hope is that we may all feel strengthened to reach out to parents who are grieving.  Because miscarriage and infant death are a lot more common than we all probably realize.

I'm off my soapbox now.

The second reason I wrote was because even in the initial fog I was in I knew that our family would make it and I wanted to document our journey.  It wasn't about "getting past" it or "putting it behind us"--that won't happen.  Sarah and her death changed us as individuals and as a family.  I wanted, and still want, to see how we would be changed as we pulled together, moved forward, let God heal us and figured out what our new normal was.

So here we are.  It has been a year since Sarah's birth and death and our grief isn't  as raw.  We are healing.  We will always have a scar across the picture of our family but instead of trying to hide it, we just know it is part of us.  We are still on a journey of letting God shape us and I've decided that I'd like to keep journaling.  At least for a bit.  I've learned to slow down and appreciate the small stuff and I'd like to record the small joys, lessons learned, and struggles dealt with.  And probably some goofy things the boys do.  Because they are goofy kids.

If you'd like to continue to follow along on our family's journey, it would be an honor.  And I hope to hear from you as well.  Let us know how we can help carry you in prayer or in tangible ways as you've done for us this past year.

Letter from Sarah's nurse & the NICU dress fund

Today we received a beautiful letter from one of Sarah's nurses.  R. was working the last night when we were called in when Sarah went in for emergency surgery.  She was with the Drs. when they came to tell us that things were bad and that Sarah was very likely going to die.  She stayed past the end of her shift and worked with another nurse to help us understand all that was happening and offered support as we made decisions. When we asked for a photographer they called one and R. asked if we wanted a dress to put on Sarah.  At first I said no-despite the face that the drs. had said she had a 0% chance at surviving more than a couple days, I was clinging to hope and didn't want to disturb our fragile girl.  A bit later, she asked again and we decided to just lay the dress on Sarah and tuck it around her so as not to move her much.  It was a beautiful white crocheted dress with a pink rosette and was just what I had envisioned for her baptism dress.  Later, after pictures, I asked about it and if they had lots of dresses--I assumed there was a closet-full.  R. said that she had been given the dress awhile ago and told to give it to a family who needed it. For whatever reason, she felt we were the right family.  That kindness shown to us and our daughter took a bit of the rawness out of the day.  Our girl was "dressed up" for a bit and we got to have sweet pictures taken as a family.

We started a fund to provide dresses to families whose premies are in the NICU where Sarah was.  Much more was generously given that we ever thought.  The letter says that the donations given in Sarah's name "have currently purchased over 75 beautifully handmade layette sets for infants and their grieving families."  Additionally one of their knitters "is from England and her profits from our [the hospital's] purchases all go to a charity known as Love Light Romania which supports children affected by disease and poverty in Romania." 

We are humbled to know that children and families are being cared for because of Sarah and so many generous people.  

Celebrate Sarah's birthday with us!

We will never know the extent of who was praying for and supporting us a year ago as our daughter, Sarah, was born prematurely and died nine days later.  As her birthday approaches, please help us

• celebrate her life,
• honor the wonderful Drs and nurses who fought for her life with us, and
• honor the wonderful family and friends who have supported us  

We believe that all life is precious--an infant who was on earth a short time as well as every person we are surrounded with each day.  All life is special and no one should ever be taken for granted or feel unimportant.  

Additionally, in our family birthdays are special and the first birthday is always a celebration of our child but also of our survival through that first, sleep deprived year!  This year was filled with its own struggles as we’ve grieved individually and as a family and...we’ve made it.  

From August 14-23 (the days of Sarah’s life with us), please do something to recognize and honor life--such as take time to listen to someone, offer assistance to someone in need, call or write to someone who may be lonely.  Focus on showing value and love to someone’s life.  If you’d like to leave a message of what you’ve done on our blog (below), that would be great.  If you’d like to stay anonymous, that’s fine too.  And if you'd like to donate to the NICU dress fund we started at Royal Oak Beaumont hospital, the information is below.  

Thank you for celebrating with us!

You are loved,

Patrick and Heather

http://sarahs-baby-steps.blogspot.com/

NICU Dress fund
Donations can be made to “William Beaumont Hospital NICU” in memory of Sarah Shaw.  Before she passed away, her nurses gave her a dress so we could dress her once and take some pictures as a family to help us remember her.  We would like to provide dresses in Sarah’s memory for other families who have to say goodbye to their little girls-this is a fund we started to support families in their grief. Checks or micro-preemie dresses (button or closures in the back, please) may be sent to William Beaumont Hospital 3601 W. Thirteen Mile Rd. Royal Oak, MI 48073-6769  Attn: Mara Sipols) Please put "Sarah Shaw" in the memo of checks so your donation goes to the right fund.  Thank you!

A Lifetime Ago

Life is ever changing; like it or not, our lives are not stagnant.  Most of the shaping comes in small ways, lessons learned, friends who teach us things, changes that are brought to our lives, and that’s when we can look back over a period of time and reflect on how all the small things added up to bigger change and made us who we are at that moment.  For example, I can look back over a handful of years and see how things I've read, people I've known, and life events have slowly shaped my life and made me who I am.  

Occasionally in life there are big events that happen that jolt us and create immediate change.  A year ago we were preparing to welcome a third little one into our family and had recently found out we were having a girl.  Boys were playing “baby” and were building a room for Baby Sarah out of couch cushions.  They were walking around holding an imaginary baby, pretending to feed, play with and put her in bed.  While we were still debating names, the boys happily called their baby “Sarah” and as I listened to them I happily thought about the time when all three would play imaginary games and laugh together.  Practically, we were getting the house ready for her.  We had new carpet put in the family room, replacing the 25 year old carpet, anticipating the time when a baby would be doing tummy time, playing and learning to crawl on it. The boys had been put into the same room, freeing up the crib and the nursery.  

And a year ago today, we were wrapping up a really fun week of play dates, time at the park, and swimming.  With my nesting in full gear and Gabe wanting to start painting the nursery, Pat took us all shopping after church to buy everything for the nursery. We bought all the pink blankets, sheets, decorations, bottles, and supplies. Pat planned to paint the nursery that week so that we could just sit back and enjoy the rest of the pregnancy with no more tasks hanging over us.  How were we to know as we happily wrapped up our nesting tasks that the next day our lives would completely change?  The next day, Monday, as I left for a routine OB appointment, I couldn't imagine that the same dr who two weeks earlier had said I was “better that perfect,” that Zach’s prematurity was probably a “fluke” and that I had a “great chance at going full term” would rush in to see me after my ultrasound with concern on his face and hold my hand as I cried.  I couldn’t imagine as I left for the appointment, telling the boys that I would be home in an hour to go swimming at a friend’s house, that I would not be coming home for awhile.   As I went up the stairs to the Dr’s office and began my ultrasound, excited to see my little one again, I couldn’t imagine that we would soon say goodbye to our little girl.  

I think it can be easy to think we are in charge of our lives and then when a big change crashes into our lives, we are reminded that we’re really not in control after all.  And life really is unpredictable. Maybe that's what shakes us most of all.  

Looking back a year ago, that Sunday where life felt good and it all made sense, seems like a different life.  Sometimes when I look back to that day, I almost feel as if I’m looking back at someone else’s life. Because life feels, and is, so different now.  The large waves of grief that initially swallowed us up, have turned into a calmer waters, but the undercurrent is still there.  We are learning to live with that undercurrent of sadness even while we are healing, experience joy, laughter, happiness and dreaming again.  It will always be there.

Sarah’s birthday and the anniversary of the 9 days she was with us are right around the corner and the waves of grief are picking up a bit.  As I look over the past year, I am incredibly thankful for how the four of us have drawn closer.  We have all put in some hard work while grieving and I really do believe that we are stronger, individually and as a family, because of the struggles we have been through.  We have really grown in faith through this year and I am grateful that God has not abandoned us but has been truly, truly faithful.  

“Faithful One” Selah

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6dFF_n5MqHs

simply living

The past couple weeks have been really busy with both of us working, Pat traveling for work, house projects, yard projects and kid activities like the boys starting swimming lessons.  I've gotten behind in simple things like meal planning and staying on top of chores.  I'd lost the rhythm of my tasks and life had started to feel chaotic again.  Something had to change and I knew my task load couldn't be reduced, so it was small changes that helped me to get more focused. 

Last weekend I paused and took time to plan meals, write a shopping list, prep meals for the week.  Not only will it save time and stress but we will now be saved from the monotony of eating tacos or spaghetti each night.  Hello variety!  We are challenging ourselves to "eat a rainbow" each day and it was very helpful to have trays of fruit and veggies to pull from.  The boys got back into the routine of doing their daily chores this past week and, with their help, the house felt much cleaner and less messy.  Last weekend, Pat and I re-started our weekly date night.  It was a bit funny--since we both were too tired to do anything that required thinking like read or play a game and we couldn't find a movie we both wanted to watch, we ended up talking then each watching our own TV shows on Netflix while sitting next to each other!  Ah, the romance!  We also got back into our routine of meeting on Sunday nights to discuss the coming week and tasks.  Does anyone else struggle with piles of paper around their house?  I dove into my piles to try to get them under control since I'm tired of looking for things that I know I put in a "safe place" but can't remember where. 

When I think of simple living, I think calm and focused on what matters. 
Life is busy.  There's no way around it, especially with kids.  But slowly I'm learning to live simply in the middle of the busy-ness.

I'm enjoying the moments and the journey.  If I'm not careful, life can begin to feel like a large task list--wake up, get ready, do this, drive here, mealtime, play date, etc.  Of course there are tasks to be done each day, but there will always be tasks.  It's not as if I will someday reach the end of my to do list and THEN I can relax and enjoy life.  I don't want to get to the end of my journey of life and have missed the small things that matter.  The small things that don't yell for my attention like sitting quietly to share my thoughts with Pat.  Pausing to snuggle my kids.  Spending time listening to a friend.  Appreciating the masterpieces God puts in my life such as handprints on the wall or a beautiful sunset.  Taking time to read the Bible and to open my heart to my Creator.  Praying for others. 

I'm learning to say no more often.  I'm learning to take care of myself and that I don't have to do everything I'm asked to. 

I enjoy preparing simple healthy meals and planning ahead.  Cooking for others feels like a gift I can give to them and I enjoy the meal planning all the way to the presentation.

I'd love to hear any other ideas any readers have to live simply and keep focused.  I honestly have no idea who reads this and I would love to hear from you. =)

Sweet brothers remembering their sister

Yesterday, Gabe asked to do extra chores to make money to give to the NICU for baby dresses.  It was very sweet that he was trying to bag up the chore money he already had ("43 coins!")to give to families in the NICU.  I explained that the way it works is to give money to the NICU in "one bag" and they would give it to families.  So he sat down and for a long time worked on writing a list of chores on a to-do list.  So today we let him wash the cars...who says you can't have fun while you work?!?  Funny thing is, he really doesn't get the concept of monetary values.  He started inviting neighbors and grandparents and the price went from "3 quarters" to "$20 and 3 quarters."  We convinced him to switch to "donations."

Then our sweet neighbor, Nina, whose husband passed away the same week as Sarah, came over because she had bought some pink and purple flowering plants to put in the garden between our yards to remember Sarah. Gabe helped plant them with her.  She only had a tall shovel and she showed him how to jump on the shovel to push it into the ground.  She and I were holding the shovel handle upright while Gabe was jumping on the shovel like a pogo stick.  It was sweet to have her teaching him how to plant the plants and having him do it while she helped.  Between that and Gabes "car wash" it's a Sarah kind of day.

A couple weeks ago, the boys and Pat picked out a flowering pink cherry blossom tree for Sarah and Zach worked very hard digging a hole with Pat to plant it.  He's still talking about the BIG hole he dug but also telling others about the tree for Sarah.  

I know that some of the boys' activities are simply because they are boys having fun--what boy wouldn't like to dig in the dirt or spray water at the car?  But I also love the part of them that is thinking of their sister and are happy to find ways to help remember her.  

Mother's Day

Today was Mother's Day.  My first Mother's day without my mom and missing my daughter.  Another odd mixture of sadness and happiness as I spent the weekend with my family--my silly family who brings me such joy.

During dinner tonight, Pat asked me what my favorite "mom memory" is.  Many memories flew through my head: meeting and holding each of my kids for the first time, watching the boys discover new things as they grow up, vacations, forts built, times together reading books, doing crafts, cooking together, dance parties in the kitchen, snuggles and kisses "just because", crazy questions and silly stories. This weekend alone, there was so much laughter and moments that filled me with joy and happiness because of my kids:

On Saturday, Pat and the boys surprised me and work me up with breakfast in bed.  They planned an elaborate breakfast and it was a cozy morning.

While driving to a friend's house for a birthday party I listened to the radio while they chattered in the backseat.  When "Eye of the Tiger" came on I looked in the mirror and saw them rocking and dancing like maniacs to it.  Who knew they were into '80's music??

When all the grandparents arrived for dinner, Gabe disappeared and returned moments later wearing his skunk costume.  He did somersaults around the kitchen while declaring himself "stinky!"

Zach telling jokes:
Z: I have a joke!  How do you fit an elephant into your refrigerator?
Us: How?
Z: No, say, 'I don't know'
Us: I don't know.
Z: hahahaha!  I don't know either!

Gabe sharing his favorite "mom memory":
G: I love you lots because I love you!
Z: I love you too!

And Pat and the boys picked out a tree for Sarah that will bloom with pink blossoms each spring.  I love that we are finding ways to keep her memory part of our daily lives.

On this day when I'm feeling sad and my arms are missing holding my baby and hugging my mom, I am also so, SO filled with happiness for the gifts God has given me in my family.  These small moments of silliness and sweetness are soothing and help me remember what matters most in life.  I'm grateful for the time I get with these sweet goofballs each day and for the nine sweet days I had with Sarah.  Someday we'll all get to be goofy together.