Remembering my mom

Two years ago we said goodbye to my mom.  She was a fighter until the end, lasting longer than the drs thought after life support machines were turned off.

When I was growing up, she was often sick but yet she still found ways to make special moments and memories with us.  I remember her making pinatas for our birthday parties, hosting end of summer parties for us and our friends.  She once read about how to make large animals out of wood, a chicken wire frame, and paper mache and we made some incredible things sculptures together: an 8 foot long alligator, a 5 foot tall dinosaur and a 5 foot tall mummy (that one was for a school project).  I remember the night she declared that we were having an ice-cream dinner and it was ok because the green mint ice-cream would count as the green veggies.  She built a tree house for us in the backyard.  It never was finished as she wanted, but she also had big dreams for it.  Every Christmas, she would make many different kinds of cookies to give away.  As I grew up and had a family, this is something we continued to do and as Christmas approached, I could count on many emails from Mom with new cookie recipe ideas.

Mom also had a quiet but strong faith.  I remember seeing her with her pink Bible sitting on the couch or in her room reading and marking it up.  She had so many bookmarks throughout her Bible of special passages that spoke to her that her Bible bulged thick.  I remember watching the transformation she went through when I was a teenager and she was becoming sicker and then living at Temple University Hospital waiting for a heart and kidney transplant.  My once shy mom now has a "fire" in her to share her faith with others.  I first saw this one day when she was at home before the transplants--I came downstairs and she was on the phone telling someone about Jesus.  Before this she has been very quiet and private about her faith...rarely even praying out loud at the dinner table.  When she got off the phone, I asked her what she was doing and she explained that her time may be short and that she realized that she needed to share with others what was important to her.  She went on to quietly but persistently tell others when she moved into the hospital.  Many who stayed there with her, spoke of her quiet, strong faith and how she brought comfort to them as she would lead the group in prayer before surgeries.  She also started a Bible study while there and continued to go back weekly for years after her transplants.  Watching her taught me that God can transform us and use us if we just let Him.

As I grew up and had a family, we became closer and I talked with her often.  She came and helped after each boy was born, offered suggestions and cooked meals for us.  We talked recipes, life issues, and kid stuff.  After Sarah died, Mom called regularly, asking direct questions about how we all were doing.  And a few months later, even as she was preparing to say goodbye, she continued to ask how we were doing. She always lit up when she was with the boys and clearly deeply loved them.

I'm grateful for the time we had together, to make memories and for me to learn so many things from her.  I'm grateful the boys knew her.  I'm grateful that she is in Heaven--healed and no longer dealing with all the health struggles.  Mostly, I'm grateful for the hope we live in of seeing her again.  The boys and I imagine that she's snuggling Sarah and reading books to her or playing hide and seek.  I like that picture.

Goodbye 2014. Hello 2015.

On New Year's Eve, I've always liked to stay up until midnight.  It doesn't always happen, especially when the kids were little, but I like to try.  Perhaps its silly but I like to say goodbye to the past year, reflecting on the ups and downs, thinking about lessons learned and thank the year for what it has brought to my life.  And I like to welcome the new year that is full of dreams, possibilities, goals and events that only God knows will come.  The past few years have been difficult so it has been hard to be thankful for the outgoing year.  In 2012, having recently said goodbye to my daughter and preparing to say goodbye to my mother, I stayed up until midnight almost to "spite" 2012 (crazy, right? As if it were alive and could feel my anger!).  And as the ball dropped I begged God that the coming year would bring healing and good things.  Part of me hoped that coming years would just be filled with ALL good things since I felt I had met my quota of "bad" for awhile.  Of course that wasn't possible and as I've written in other posts, healing has been slow but it has come.  And I've learned how to better embrace the good and the bad together.

2013 was still pretty bumpy and emotional but as I look back over 2014, it has been a good calming year.  No, God didn't grant my prayer to give just good things, there are still many question marks for different areas in our lives, but many good things have happened and the healing He's given has continued.  

In the Spring I felt the last bits of the fog melt away. The fog had been both mental and physical--I just felt drained.  It had slowly been going away since Sarah's death but it was still there to a degree.  It felt good to realize the fog was gone and that I felt like myself again...a stronger, more confident version of me.  And I saw Pat and the boys letting go of some of their fog this past year too. We've enjoyed a lot of family time, some trips together and lots of laughter.  The last few months have been particularly busy and, as the year has wrapped up, I've enjoyed the past week home with the boys.  I had thought that we'd do lots of play dates or activities but in the end we've spent most of the time at home.  And it has been wonderful.  The slower pace has allowed for a few PJ days, lots of games, air guitar bands, movies, book reading, telling stories, building legos, fighting dragons, toy organizing, snuggles, drawing, staying up later and sleeping in,  

So, 2014, goodbye.  Thanks for being a calming year for me and for my family.  Thank you for the time spent with and memories made with friends and family.  Thank you for the dreams we've begun to dream again.  2015--You're filled with so much promise, growth, learning and events.  I want to embrace everything you have remembering that God is the one who has ordained the details and is the one who will lead us through it all.  

Adventures

October has been a busy month.  Early in September, at our weekly planning meeting, when Pat and I reviewed our calendars we saw that it would be a month filled with work commitments and family activities.  All good things and we were looking forward to the last weekend in October when we planned to go away as a family.  We just got back tonight and the boys are playing, winding down from a long car ride. This was the first time the boys stayed in a hotel since we've only camped with them or stayed in a cottage and it was fun to hear them as we packed.  Since they are used to helping set up the campsite, they kept asking what their chores would be when we got there.  And Gabe was concerned that we remember to bring the broom and dustpan so we could sweep out the room each morning...one of his favorite chores when camping.

We had a fun couple days visiting a train museum/display where there were lots of activities for the kids, swimming, watching movies, more swimming, touring a cavern and singing LOTS of songs.  I've loved the conversations we've had with them.  And I've loved the time Pat and I have had to read quietly and catch up on serious talks and silly talks too.  I kept trying to share some fact about myself that Pat didn't know yet.  But he already knew and I'm thankful for a husband (of almost 10 years...in a few weeks!) who knows me so well and loves me so well.  Early in our marriage, we learned from a couple who had been married 60 years, that love isn't a noun, its a verb.  We need to show love through our actions--just as Jesus did for us.  My heart is so happy when I am with these guys that God has put into my life.  Life really is an adventure with them...the best adventure of all.

Sarah's second birthday

The house is filled with the smells of a birthday cake made to remember Sarah's second birthday tomorrow. I wish the house was filled with Sarah's laughter instead.  On the way home from work today, I stopped to get flowers to bring to her grave tomorrow and started sobbing in the store.  Yes, sobbing.  I may not go back there for awhile...

Two years ago tonight we were fighting hard--I was on a second round of 24 hours of magnesium, hadn't slept in 48 hours and was gearing up for what turned out to be another sleepless night.  In the morning my Doctors said it was time to deliver, they were concerned there was an infection brewing and it was best to get Sarah out before she got sick.  I remember hearing her cry and the doctors saying saying she was as strong as she could be for her age and I felt a moment of hope.  We held onto that hope as the days went by.

Even as tears have been falling freely this past week, and likely will continue to this coming week, in the corner of my heart I feel some peace as I look at how God has healed us and held us together over the past couple years. Tonight was a calm night filled with piano lessons, bike rides, baths and games.  I think all four of us have been a bit emotional this week (the boys know this year that it is her birthday).  I'm reminding myself of all of God's promises and holding onto the fact that He doesn't leave us, that his grace has been unfolding in our lives over the past two years and it will continue to unfold in coming years...in ways I can't even imagine.

But tonight...my heart hurts and life just feels awful.

Please join us to remember Sarah's life by serving someone else this next week.  Let's open our eyes and look for people whose hope is fading.  There are so many all around us who are hurting and need to be reminded that their story isn't over, that God loves them.  As we reach out to those who are hurting we can help people to not feel alone and see a picture of God's grace in their life.

"The Glorious Unfolding" (Steven Curtis Chapman)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h3Q7wUoQV5Q

Lay your head down tonight
Take a rest from the fight
Don’t try to figure it out
Just listen to what I’m whispering to your heart
‘Cause I know this is not
Anything like you thought
The story of your life was gonna be
And it feels like the end has started closing in on you
But it’s just not true
There’s so much of the story that’s still yet to unfold

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
You’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding

God’s plan from the start
For this world and your heart
Has been to show His glory and His grace
Forever revealing the depth and the beauty of
His unfailing Love
And the story has only begun

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
We’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding

We were made to run through fields of forever
Singing songs to our Savior and King
So let us remember this life we’re living
Is just the beginning of the beginning

Of this glorious unfolding
We will watch and see and we will be amazed
If we just keep on believing the story is so far from over
And hold on to every promise God has made to us
We’ll see the glorious unfolding

Just watch and see (unfolding)
This is just the beginning of the beginning (unfolding)

Finding grace in an unlikely place

In our house we've had our share of serious talks with the kids.  Especially over the past 18 months.  Today we had a grace conversation in the bathroom while oldest was getting ready for school.  

Hey buddy, you've been in here awhile...you ok?  

Yes, Mom.  I'm just brushing my teeth.  Can I have a hug?  Lots of hugs? 

Sure, what's up?  

Well, I've been doing lots of bad things and I just need forgiveness.

Buddy, we're just trying to teach you.  We love you.  And if we have forgotten to tell you, we do forgive you when you don't do what you're supposed to.  But guess what?  The Bible tells us that we are not good people who sometimes do bad things, does it?  

No, we are sinners.  What does that mean again?

It means that we think mostly of ourselves and want to be in charge and not let God be in charge.  And because we are sinners we can't do good without His grace, Him helping us.  And when we sin we can know that He forgives us too. Want to pray together?  

After we prayed, as we drove to school, we did a familiar morning routine, saying, "This is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it! Rejoice!"  Followed by a regular line in our house: Remember today that Mommy and Daddy love you forever and ever, no matter what. And Jesus does too. 

These moments that I have shared with each of my three kids, telling them about Jesus, are the ones I tuck away in my heart and memory to treasure forever.  These are the moments that really matter.

Birthday Boys

We just finished the birthday marathon week.  Gabe and Zach's birthdays are five days apart so it makes for a busy week.  I still haven't figured out our traditions so it can get a bit busy especially since there are two celebrations back to back.  We made pancake breakfasts for both of them and then we celebrate at dinner with a dinner of their choice and cake.  This year, I tried to make small cakes for them this year so we don't have a ridiculous amount of cake that we "have" to eat!  We were supposed to have a party for them both but it will be in a few weeks since Zach ended up with a fever on his big day that lasted through the weekend.

For whatever reason, this year, both boys were really into their birthday and the fact that they were so much older.  The morning after Gabe's birthday he said many times, out of the blue, "Oh! I'm six.  I almost forgot I was six because I'm new at it!"  And Zach kept reviewing all the things he will now do since he's a "big boy"--go potty, clean up after himself, etc.  All stuff he does anyway so I'm not sure what his definition really is.  It was also good to see Zach so confident and excited about his birthday.  He called everyone to the table for his cake--"My cake is here.  Everyone sit down!"  And before we were halfway through singing Happy Birthday, he calmly blew out the candles and was asking for the candles out so we could eat.

Gabe will be starting piano lessons now that he's six and Zach will be taking a t-ball class.  I look at them and I do wonder where the time has gone.  I love seeing them each growing up, learning new things, being such good friends and loving Jesus.  I love being their mom, sorting out the fights, teaching them, playing with them, learning more about their personalities, cuddling them when they need extra hugs or when they are sick.  Being a parent is hard work, and even though I sometimes grumble about the messes or piles of paperwork around my house, I wouldn't trade the messes for anything else.    

shattered glass

We have been getting ready for Christmas and the season has been filled with all the usual traditions of baking cookies, parties, Christmas music and movies, and decorations. We also started a new tradition of going to a nearby town's Christmas parade.  I started that by accident--last year I convinced Pat that we should all go since I thought going to a parade would be fun.  It was ok and I didn't plan to bring it up this year.  But the boys brought it up and were adamant that we all needed to go.  It was freezing that day, literally in the teens, and we lasted about halfway before they were ready to go.  Overall the season has been filled with laughter and good family time which is exactly what we wanted this year.

Yesterday we went to the hospital where Sarah lived to bring some beautiful dresses that many have made for their bereavement program.  We had a chance to talk with a nurse who holds a special place in our hearts since she very lovingly gave us a dress on Sarah's last day.  She explained how helpful these dresses are since there are approximately 200 families a year who say goodbye to their little ones.  She is expanding the bereavement program at the hospital to be more than just mementos and to include bereavement training for staff to better support families who are losing someone.  Our heart is in this program that supports families because we cherish the kind words and gestures the staff gave us. We regularly look at the pictures, blanket, teddy bear and other mementos they gave us.

I have been reflecting over the past year and how different it is from last Christmas.  We were still in a fog, focused on getting through the holidays and didn't really enjoy them.  This year has been so full of joy.  I'm thankful that so many gifts we often take for granted such as laughter, smiles, and dreaming are back in our lives.

The other day, a friend was talking with me about a friend of her's who had just lost a baby prematurely. She wondered what she could do to help.  The best analogy I thought of is this--Our life before had been like a glass vase but when she died it was as if the glass had been shattered.  When we lost Sarah we also lost all the dreams we had for her and for our family.  We had looked forward to knowing her, seeing the relationships form with her brothers, and growing as a family. The past year we have been picking up the pieces and putting them back together knowing that the vase will never look the same again.   Who I am today, who our family is today, is not who we were sixteen months ago.

What can you do to support someone who has lost a child?  Know that you can't fix it or make it better.  Nothing can--our lives will forever be different because of what we experienced.  You can help the person pick up the pieces, help them sort through the emotions and figure out what the "new normal" is.  Ask parents questions about how they are, acknowledge difficult anniversaries, don't shy away from us.  Yes, we may cry, but love us enough to give us safe space to do that.  Others' presence as well as mementos help the healing process.  Some loving co-workers and another family gave us gifts of flowers so that each spring when they bloom we will remember Sarah. And we will remember their love and support of us as well.

Its the small gestures of support that mean a lot to families going through this process.  Yesterday, we learned how special the dress fund has been.  We really had no idea so many of you would support it, and we are grateful that those gifts are bringing comfort to grieving families.

Thanks for being on this journey with us and for helping us put the pieces back together.

Merry Christmas!