grieving with kids

One of the hardest parts of this grieving process is watching my two and four year olds grieve and miss their sister.  My heart hurts but watching their pain is almost as bad as having said goodbye to Sarah.

Gabe is calming down on his angry outbursts but is talking a lot more.  He doesn't want to see a friend because she has a baby and "I don't want her to have a baby. Sarah should be the only baby."  The other week he pulled things off the shelf at Target for a girl and said, "these will be great for our sister!"  When I explained that Sarah isn't with us, he crumbled, crying, and asked, "Is that the last baby to be in your tummy?"  Today he said that he wanted to go to heaven so he was going to hurt himself badly so he could go see Sarah right away.  Knowing that he probably doesn't get the finality of dying, I explained that he wouldn't be able to come back, we'd miss him, and that God decides when we go.  He calmly said that it didn't matter and he just wanted to go.

Zach, at two years old, isn't as verbal but he is still grieving.  During random moments of the day he often curls up in my lap or turns to me for a hug and says, "I miss Sarah" or "I hold Sarah again someday"

I never thought I would be having these kind of conversations with my preschoolers.  And my heart just hurts, hurts, hurts that I have to.   And this is when I pray "Oh God!  Please redeem this horrible time for all of us.  Somehow take this and use it to draw us to you.  Use it to draw others to you."

Grieving

Grieving is a funny thing.  Life doesn't stop even though I feel at times like my world has ended along with so many dreams.  I still have boys who need to be cared for, taken to school and played with.  And my husband has work.  And there's a house to clean.  And groceries to shop for.  And on and on.  Life continues on almost as if nothing has happened.  Problem is, something did happen and I've been changed.

Mixed into such deep sadness and feelings of emptiness, we also have "normal" moments of laughter, memory building, good talks and calm hearts and minds.  But emotions are funny things...almost like creatures who sneak up and surprise you.  They have their own personalities too-some stop by quickly and let you know gently and easily how you're feeling and others want to be the center of attention and have complete control for the day.  Some slip in quietly to sit and talk reflectively and others rush in like an uninvited guest yelling at the top of her lungs.

And we deal with them in different ways too.  Pat is working even harder to provide for those of us with him and I've been organizing our house almost obsessively (although I must admit it felt good to get the piles of paperwork under control and filed for the first time in our married life!).  All trying to give ourselves a sense of order in the midst of the chaos of our emotions.

We're trying to embrace our emotions and all their personalities and let them help us to heal and teach us about ourselves.  As we do, please understand the sudden tears or the desire to talk about Sarah...or not.  And also, if you need your home organized, please call me...I'm out of projects... =)




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Heaven

Heaven is more real to me now.  Don't get me wrong, I've always believed that there is a place where we'll spend eternity with God but it was more foreign, like head knowledge or simply something down the road that I didn't think about often because, honestly, for the most part my life here is pretty great. But now I've held my daughter and watched as she slipped from us and mysteriously went to this place.  And now I think of heaven daily:  What is it like?  The boys ask about heaven often and we've had many discussions...as much as you can with two and four year olds!  They wonder if Sarah is eating dinner, if she's running and playing games with Jesus, singing, or sleeping.  Gabe and Zach pray to Jesus to ask him to tell Sarah we miss and love her. Zach wants to drive his orange car to heaven to say hello to Baby Sarah.  I wonder what Sarah knows.  I know she is with Jesus and there are no tears there but, as we miss her, I wonder if she misses or even knows about us.  And what does she know or remember about her short time with us?  Does she know how much we love her or that we really did everything we could to try to keep her? 

While in such pain now, at times the grief feels like a physical burden, I am simultaneously repulsed by our sinful world where such tragedies happen and also sense glimpses of heaven as I feel Gods presence with me, tastes of what it will be like to be completely in his presence in heaven someday and what I know Sarah is experiencing now.  Our pastor taught recently about the story in the Bible where Jesus wept because his friend Lazarus died.  Pastor Paul spoke of how Jesus cares (he grieves with us) and also will bring life from death and sadness.  In the case of Lazarus he literally brought life as he raised Lazarus back from the dead.  In our case...I don't fully know yet but I know that over time we will use this experience to grow closer to God, each other and help others in pain.  Life from death and sadness.   

I've clearly become even more addicted to Selah's music over these past weeks and I'd like to share yet another song.  "On the Mountain" reminds me that life is a journey, perhaps feeling difficult as if climbing a mountain.  I get glimpses of heaven now but its just past my grasp.  I can imagine bits of it, but lets face it...its behind our human comprehension that a place exists that's outside time.  As I Corinthians 13:12 says: "For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known."  Just like a mountain rising up out of sight into the clouds, I can only see the part of my path that is right in front of me and I have to keep walking, reaching, longing for what I can't see. 

Please listen to this song and remember that this life is a journey filled with amazing moments as well as obstacles.  I'm walking this journey with my friend and Savior Jesus as closely as I can in this life, knowing that someday I will see Him face to face.  If you're not already on this journey with Jesus, will you join me?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N3P34dYi3UQ

On The Mountain 

I’ve been climbing my whole life
And I’m only at the bottom of the mountain,
At the bottom of the mountain
Rising up from my feet in the daylight
Rising up into the clouds and out of my sight
Is the height of that mountain

Well my hands cannot reach it
And my mind can’t comprehend it
But my soul is gonna get there one day
No, my hands cannot reach it
And my mind can’t comprehend it
But my soul is gonna get there one day

Lord, these shoes are gonna need some help
So we can make it to the top of the mountain
To the top of your mountain
Many feet have gone before us
With a habit of faith and courage
They’ll meet us at the road’s end

REPEAT CHORUS

BRIDGE:
Yes, yes, I think I will
Oh yes, I know we will
Yes, yes, I know we will
Oh yeah, I know we…

I’ve been climbing my whole life
And I’m only at the bottom of the mountain
At the bottom of the mountain
All along this road when it feels so far to the top
You say, “Just hold on to the mountain.”

REPEAT CHORUS (X2)

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Well my soul (my soul) is gonna get there one day