grieving with kids

One of the hardest parts of this grieving process is watching my two and four year olds grieve and miss their sister.  My heart hurts but watching their pain is almost as bad as having said goodbye to Sarah.

Gabe is calming down on his angry outbursts but is talking a lot more.  He doesn't want to see a friend because she has a baby and "I don't want her to have a baby. Sarah should be the only baby."  The other week he pulled things off the shelf at Target for a girl and said, "these will be great for our sister!"  When I explained that Sarah isn't with us, he crumbled, crying, and asked, "Is that the last baby to be in your tummy?"  Today he said that he wanted to go to heaven so he was going to hurt himself badly so he could go see Sarah right away.  Knowing that he probably doesn't get the finality of dying, I explained that he wouldn't be able to come back, we'd miss him, and that God decides when we go.  He calmly said that it didn't matter and he just wanted to go.

Zach, at two years old, isn't as verbal but he is still grieving.  During random moments of the day he often curls up in my lap or turns to me for a hug and says, "I miss Sarah" or "I hold Sarah again someday"

I never thought I would be having these kind of conversations with my preschoolers.  And my heart just hurts, hurts, hurts that I have to.   And this is when I pray "Oh God!  Please redeem this horrible time for all of us.  Somehow take this and use it to draw us to you.  Use it to draw others to you."